Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sometimes i struggle...




i am nothing if not honest.... here especially. Life is not a fairy tale.... with happy endings .. Life is a road of ups and downs and speed bumps.... Life is hard sometimes.

i have a wonderful new principal (thank the gods) - the first one ever willing to invest time helping me become a better administrator. For 20+ years of running one program and then another and watching them pile up on my desk with all the paper work and problems that comes from running different programs with different staffs.... i have more or less been left to my own devices to make things run smoothly and efficiently. i have struggled with being an administrator. In case you haven't all figured it out yet.. i am not a Dominant.. i am much happier taking orders than giving them. And so i have struggled.

Then along came Mr. M.. and his belief in me. God only knows how he had such faith in me without even really knowing me....... but he did !! And he has been softly and gently guiding me and revamping/changing my style of leadership.

BUT despite all the guidance.. despite all the support..... i kinda sorta hit the wall. and the really weird thing is.. i don't know when exactly i hit this wall.. i just know i have. Yesterday i walked into Mr. M's office and plunked down the required forms to be signed that will grant me a "mental health" day. As he was signing it .. he turned to me and asked if i wanted to talk about it........ i filled up with tears and choked out a firm "NO". He finished the signature as he asked "is it me?? Have I done something?" which made me laugh out loud as i exclaimed "GOD NO!"

Sometimes life just up and bites you in the ass.. which is what is happening right now. And though i really have no obvious reason to be feeling this way... i am.

Sir came over last evening on His way to the train club and we went out for supper. i told Him i was feeling a bit down........ and in doing so .. i feel as though somehow i have let Him down. Sir says it is all the change going on in my working life.. i argued with Him ... i don't feel it is the change. Sir is right.. i don't like change........... BUT this change i have control over.. it is a change that is being orchestrated by Mr. M and myself.. it is a different kind of change.... it is so hard to explain .. but honestly i don't feel this mood is because of change.

i haven't shared this with anyone as of yet.. because i have done this so many times before and failed. BUT i have started a new eating plan (see me avoid the word DIET??!!) The inspiration comes directly (and rests entirely on the shoulders) of the Heron clan. If you haven't been following their struggles with weight loss.. please check out their blog.. and lend your support. It was the pre-surgery entries that hit me the hardest. i kept thinking if they can do THIS i should be able to simply cut back on some calories... right?? RIGHT!

So i got cracking.. bought some much needed vitamins (seeing as i love veggies so much!!) and purchased some food replacement bars. The food replacement bars are a simple solution to a BIG problem.. my lunches at school. i hate packing lunches to take.. so i tended to not bring anything and landed up eating from various restaurants around school or from the vending machine. Then i tended to nibble most of the afternoon from the vending machine .. or various other junk food supplies i had bought and stored in my office.

Now i am having a sensible breakfast (be still my heart - i never used to eat breakfast!) a bran muffin and a cup of coffee (juice is had at home - breakfast at school). Come lunch time i am usually starving.. but force myself to go for at least a 15 minute walk before settling down to eat my lunch bar, with a big glass of water. Dinner is a small portion of protein and carbs.

i have been doing this for 4 weeks now. Yesterday i put on a pair of summer slacks and was amazed they weren't biting into my waist. (i won't say they are big on me .. not yet.. but they aren't biting !!)

And i wondered out loud with Sir last evening... if part of my down mood is because of my new eating plan. He poohed poohed that thinking. But still i can't help but wonder..

i know there are a whole mess of things that play with one's mood.. stress.. dieting.. weather (and lordie we have had some gloom and doom weather lately) ... and just life.

i am hoping that as fast as this mood seems to have hit.. it will move on again.... and let the sun shine back on my heart (as well as my face) and i will be my bratty self again.

But for now......... i struggle.




7 comments:

selkie said...

first, congratulations on the healthy eating plan! Good for you for trying to take control of your health! Because when all is said and done, it IS truly all about making our bodies as healthy and energetic as possible!

and YES, I believe your eating plan COULD be messing with your moods - certain foods affect certain moods (carbs are notorious for making blood sugars spike which can cause a form of euphoria) - it could be your lack of carbs - i've been a very strict (and am, actually) controlled eating plan myself and it takes time for the boyd AND mind to adjust.

I can provide a million links but I suggest: Just google how carbohydrates affect mood and you will see that again and again depression and mood swings have been linked to a low carb diet.

On a POSITIVE note -if you stick to it, it WILL pass - youw will get beyond the cravings and start to balance.

Glad you took a mental health day - everyone deserves those!

Steph said...

delurks to wish you all the best on this new part of your journey with the eating plan - am at the point of seeing doctors about nutrition and the "D" (diet) word and looking into the lap band surgery myself

M.e said...

I've been told to postpone the D word for a couple of weeks but, like you, the Heron Clan were definitely the inspiration! Good luck!

love and hugs xxx

anna said...

It can absolutely be because of this new eating plan. I know when I eat poorly (and I'm not implying that's the case with you), my mood is also poor. When I eat fresh and healthy foods AND exercise, I feel so much better.

I really don't want to discourage you because I think its wonderful that you've taken this step, but I don't think meal replacement bars are a good idea for daily lunches. I think those bars should be for in case of emergency use only. Is there any way you can cook extra for your suppers and use the leftovers for lunch the following day?

Good luck with all of this. I also need to get back on track with my eating and exercise. You may just end up being my inspiration. :)

swan said...

Oh, morningstar! I just want to hug you... What you are embarked on is terribly difficult, and yes, your mood will be impacted as your body adjusts. I am sure your Sir will have input in how you manage all of this, but keep in mind the advice that I got over and over from Master and T, but also from all of you out here -- make sure you are eating well enough... Being too severe can seriously damage your health and well-being. That awful "diet" that we engaged in for the two weeks before surgery was surely not something to be undertaken for the long haul, and definately not a good idea without medical oversight. One good resource, for ongoing modification and management of eating habits is the Fit Day site that is linked from our Bariatric blog. Check it out.

hugs, swan

Scarlet said...

First and foremost, REMOVE the word "diet" from your vocabulary!
Seriously.
Do it.
NOW!!!!!

Ok, now that it has been removed (PERMANENTLY), replace it with the thought process of becoming "HEALTHY"
I know it may sound wacky, but I swear, when I started to think about just becoming healthy, I started to lose weight ... and I have now lost 30lbs.
I still have 40 to go to be where I want .... but if it doesn't happen, I'm ok with it.
I eat better, I work out and I am HEALTHY!
I still need to improve a few areas ... I am FAMOUS for not eating.
Not on purpose, just don't.
Well, we all know the engine won't run properly, or optimally without fuel.
But, it's all part of the process.
Don't rush yourself, and please, PLEASE know that there are others (ME) that struggle as well.
We can support each other! :D

You're doing awesome morningstar ... and you ARE awesome! :D

subtletimes said...

Congrats on 'drawing the line' i.e. deciding that enough unhealthiness is enough. Sometimes it is just so hard to do that.

My advice is to make sure you eat regularly. This will stabilize your blood sugar levels and help prevent cravings. Skipping meals is never a good thing so kudos on starting to have breakfast again (personally, I'm always starving the moment I wake up so I could *never* skip brekky!)

I also have an exercise bike in front of the tv. I like to tell myself that I'm just 'watching tv' when I'm actually doing exercise. That way it's quite easy to do 30mins.

You go girl!