Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sometimes i struggle...
i am nothing if not honest.... here especially. Life is not a fairy tale.... with happy endings .. Life is a road of ups and downs and speed bumps.... Life is hard sometimes.
i have a wonderful new principal (thank the gods) - the first one ever willing to invest time helping me become a better administrator. For 20+ years of running one program and then another and watching them pile up on my desk with all the paper work and problems that comes from running different programs with different staffs.... i have more or less been left to my own devices to make things run smoothly and efficiently. i have struggled with being an administrator. In case you haven't all figured it out yet.. i am not a Dominant.. i am much happier taking orders than giving them. And so i have struggled.
Then along came Mr. M.. and his belief in me. God only knows how he had such faith in me without even really knowing me....... but he did !! And he has been softly and gently guiding me and revamping/changing my style of leadership.
BUT despite all the guidance.. despite all the support..... i kinda sorta hit the wall. and the really weird thing is.. i don't know when exactly i hit this wall.. i just know i have. Yesterday i walked into Mr. M's office and plunked down the required forms to be signed that will grant me a "mental health" day. As he was signing it .. he turned to me and asked if i wanted to talk about it........ i filled up with tears and choked out a firm "NO". He finished the signature as he asked "is it me?? Have I done something?" which made me laugh out loud as i exclaimed "GOD NO!"
Sometimes life just up and bites you in the ass.. which is what is happening right now. And though i really have no obvious reason to be feeling this way... i am.
Sir came over last evening on His way to the train club and we went out for supper. i told Him i was feeling a bit down........ and in doing so .. i feel as though somehow i have let Him down. Sir says it is all the change going on in my working life.. i argued with Him ... i don't feel it is the change. Sir is right.. i don't like change........... BUT this change i have control over.. it is a change that is being orchestrated by Mr. M and myself.. it is a different kind of change.... it is so hard to explain .. but honestly i don't feel this mood is because of change.
i haven't shared this with anyone as of yet.. because i have done this so many times before and failed. BUT i have started a new eating plan (see me avoid the word DIET??!!) The inspiration comes directly (and rests entirely on the shoulders) of the Heron clan. If you haven't been following their struggles with weight loss.. please check out their blog.. and lend your support. It was the pre-surgery entries that hit me the hardest. i kept thinking if they can do THIS i should be able to simply cut back on some calories... right?? RIGHT!
So i got cracking.. bought some much needed vitamins (seeing as i love veggies so much!!) and purchased some food replacement bars. The food replacement bars are a simple solution to a BIG problem.. my lunches at school. i hate packing lunches to take.. so i tended to not bring anything and landed up eating from various restaurants around school or from the vending machine. Then i tended to nibble most of the afternoon from the vending machine .. or various other junk food supplies i had bought and stored in my office.
Now i am having a sensible breakfast (be still my heart - i never used to eat breakfast!) a bran muffin and a cup of coffee (juice is had at home - breakfast at school). Come lunch time i am usually starving.. but force myself to go for at least a 15 minute walk before settling down to eat my lunch bar, with a big glass of water. Dinner is a small portion of protein and carbs.
i have been doing this for 4 weeks now. Yesterday i put on a pair of summer slacks and was amazed they weren't biting into my waist. (i won't say they are big on me .. not yet.. but they aren't biting !!)
And i wondered out loud with Sir last evening... if part of my down mood is because of my new eating plan. He poohed poohed that thinking. But still i can't help but wonder..
i know there are a whole mess of things that play with one's mood.. stress.. dieting.. weather (and lordie we have had some gloom and doom weather lately) ... and just life.
i am hoping that as fast as this mood seems to have hit.. it will move on again.... and let the sun shine back on my heart (as well as my face) and i will be my bratty self again.
But for now......... i struggle.