Later in the morning i had second thoughts about the raw emotion - about the privacy of it.. and realized i should have asked Sir's permission to post it first. So i took it down..... Sir has told me to put it back up.... He believes as i do.. that perhaps the frank honesty of my blog may in someway touch another...
Many years ago.. way at the beginning of this journey with Sir.. i made Him promise me something.. that He would never love me so much that He couldn't hurt me. (sound weird?? yeah i guess it does... but to those that understand this thing called BDSM - they will understand my request)
What i didn't count on happening.. was loving me so much that He wanted to please me all the time.......... and that is as bad - maybe worse - than loving me so much He can't hurt me.
Sir and i have been struggling.... not so one could see.. not even so i noticed that much.... but like every relationship struggle.. there comes a time when one or both parties hits the wall.. and something.. SOMETHING.. has to be done...........
i sent Sir a private journal this morning...... (as i do every morning actually) but i was thinking .. this is something that might just help someone else who is struggling along similar paths as Sir and i .. it might help someone .. but then it might also just show how human Sir and i are.. how we struggle and fight to maintain a balance that is not always that easy to maintain.........
Here is the journal i sent to Sir this morning - with some changes to protect the innocent.........
You have an extraordinary ability now to intuitively pick the right solution to a problem. Although you might tell others that it's no big deal, the truth of the matter is that you can find the one brilliant answer, like a needle that was lost in the haystack. As long as you hold on to a clear vision of the way you would like things to be, you'll have a real shot at getting what you want.
Funny thing............ that paragraph above was my horoscope for yesterday........ i didn't read it till last night... and it made me sit up and say .. "oh yeah??!!" and i did some thinking about it.. and i realized i do know what the solution to our problem "looks" like... but sitting around visualizing the solution isn't the answer - at least i don't think so... i can daydream my life away and nothing will change.. the same way as You can say "it should be this way or that way... I screwed up my life.. I shouldn't do this or that" BUT if we don't change the way it is... to look more like we want it to look.. nothing but nothing is going to change.
i think i was more submissive .. more pliable .. when You were only a part time Sir.. when You were only a "training" Sir... i gave over everything to You then.......... but over the years i have slowly taken back a lot of the control over me.. because You were too busy.. or You didn't want to push.. or whatever the reason.... i can't be this vacuum with no direction.. and if it isn't given to me.. the direction i mean.. i am a floundering mess.... so i had to take back control at times so that i didn't flounder...... i remember one order way back in the early days.. "go to M and give her a foot massage" i didn't want to go.. god i had to drive all the way there.. find my way there !!!! drag everything for a foot massage there.. do it.. then drag everything home... and it was a waste of my day so to speak.. but i did it.. butterflies and all.. because You ordered it ! Now You don't order anything.. You feel me out.. will she want to do it?? will she not want to do it??? and most of the time i give You excuses .. i dig in my heels... and the thought You had.. never becomes an order.. because i didn't show enthusiasm for it.. more and more i have been turning up my nose at things just to see if You would finally just ORDER it.. but You didn't.. and yeah i was a BAD sub for doing that.. but the tone in Your request.. was more "if you want" and i didn't want .. so.. ????
Should i be punished for this??? NO.. absolutely NOT !!! why?? Because it is YOUR job to order .. not to request.. not to be mamby pampy.. but to be firm.. to have a clear cut idea what is going to be done or not done.. and to order it.. It used to be my job to follow the orders.... whether i liked the idea or not... and then the next day write it up in my journal.. respectfully .. what i thought about the whole thing....
And so over the years.. we have managed to be 90% vanilla with me being a shrew of a woman .. always getting her own way.. and 10% of the time You whip my ass over the ottoman .. just to keep the feeling of BDSM sorta kinda in the relationship (this is how i see it )
and for the record i am NOT pissed off with YOU...... i am upset that i feel like i am running the show.. i am making decisions i never wanted.. everything (it feels like everything is being put on my shoulders to decide or not to decide) take for example the 78 Highlanders.. i moaned a bit about having to go to their functions.. You said i didn't have to go to them if i didn't want to.. BUT You had to go cause You were the photographer.. as my Sir.. don't You want me there with You??? Aren't You proud to have me by Your side??? couldn't i .. for all intensive purposes... have to go as Your aide?? Your right hand .. to lug camera equipment.. keep track of lens etc.. to work for You?? isn't that my job as Your submissive?? to be by Your side?? THEY most certainly do not have to know that i am there because i am Your submissive... BUT the reality is .. i AM there because i AM Your submissive.. isn't that sort of .. kind of... melding vanilla with the D/s .. with OUR world??
Want a list of what i need and want Sir?? it might just surprise You..... i do need whippings and floggings and sex regularly.. but more than that i need some after care too.. what has happened to the after care?? i go flop on my chair and You ask (sometimes) if i need juice and that is it.......... am i so tough now i don't need any after care?? didn't You notice last week - after You let Cloud use the new slapper on my ass to thank me for dinner - that i landed up shedding a few tears in Your neck while i was thanking You.. didn't You think i might need just a little more aftercare than a hug and a flop on my chair???
i think it all boils down to i need to feel You are in charge.. and i will fall into line.. without threats of punishments.. without threats at all.. they may say it is the submissive who is in charge.. but i beg to differ.. when i am left to feel in charge.. i am not a good submissive at all !!! i am a SHREW... and i hate it.. and i hate myself..
And you know something else that has happened over this time Sir?? i feel very unpretty.. unsexy.. unwomanly... someone no one could love or want to be with .....(edited for privacy)....... just once in a while to know that You see me as a woman.. as a sexy .. sensual being would be nice....... to be ordered to suck Your cock .. to lie naked in bed with You and feel Your cock pressing against me.. feel You playing with me sexually.. that would be nice.. that makes me all mellow and squishy and soft inside.. and it makes me want to crawl to You on my hands and knees and lie at Your feet.. it makes me all subbie feeling.. and that is a good thing no??
oh yeah.. one last thing that is banging around in this subbie head of mine......... You are always saying You try to please everyone and please no one......... i felt that way too... feel that way too........ BUT then i try to remember there is really only ONE person i should be pleasing and that is YOU.. maybe You should think about that.. there is only one person You need to please .. and that is me.. pleasing all those people in our lives should NEVER EVER be more important than pleasing You or me.... cause if we are happy and strong.. everything else will fall into place.. or just won't matter... cause at the end of the day.. where are all those people?? certainly not caring if OUR needs are being met... there is just You and me together Sir .. at the end of the day.
well............ now i have written a journal that says something eh Sir?? to quote You.. be careful for what You wish (cheeky grin)