Sunday, January 11, 2009

open letter

editorial note: i posted the following entry early this morning... i believe that even the difficult subjects should be discussed - Sir and i do NOT live a fairy tale life (even if i wish it were so) ...
Later in the morning i had second thoughts about the raw emotion - about the privacy of it.. and realized i should have asked Sir's permission to post it first. So i took it down..... Sir has told me to put it back up.... He believes as i do.. that perhaps the frank honesty of my blog may in someway touch another...








Many years ago.. way at the beginning of this journey with Sir.. i made Him promise me something.. that He would never love me so much that He couldn't hurt me. (sound weird?? yeah i guess it does... but to those that understand this thing called BDSM - they will understand my request)

What i didn't count on happening.. was loving me so much that He wanted to please me all the time.......... and that is as bad - maybe worse - than loving me so much He can't hurt me.

Sir and i have been struggling.... not so one could see.. not even so i noticed that much.... but like every relationship struggle.. there comes a time when one or both parties hits the wall.. and something.. SOMETHING.. has to be done...........

i sent Sir a private journal this morning...... (as i do every morning actually) but i was thinking .. this is something that might just help someone else who is struggling along similar paths as Sir and i .. it might help someone .. but then it might also just show how human Sir and i are.. how we struggle and fight to maintain a balance that is not always that easy to maintain.........

Here is the journal i sent to Sir this morning - with some changes to protect the innocent.........

You have an extraordinary ability now to intuitively pick the right solution to a problem. Although you might tell others that it's no big deal, the truth of the matter is that you can find the one brilliant answer, like a needle that was lost in the haystack. As long as you hold on to a clear vision of the way you would like things to be, you'll have a real shot at getting what you want.

Funny thing............ that paragraph above was my horoscope for yesterday........ i didn't read it till last night... and it made me sit up and say .. "oh yeah??!!" and i did some thinking about it.. and i realized i do know what the solution to our problem "looks" like... but sitting around visualizing the solution isn't the answer - at least i don't think so... i can daydream my life away and nothing will change.. the same way as You can say "it should be this way or that way... I screwed up my life.. I shouldn't do this or that" BUT if we don't change the way it is... to look more like we want it to look.. nothing but nothing is going to change.


i think i was more submissive .. more pliable .. when You were only a part time Sir.. when You were only a "training" Sir... i gave over everything to You then.......... but over the years i have slowly taken back a lot of the control over me.. because You were too busy.. or You didn't want to push.. or whatever the reason.... i can't be this vacuum with no direction.. and if it isn't given to me.. the direction i mean.. i am a floundering mess.... so i had to take back control at times so that i didn't flounder...... i remember one order way back in the early days.. "go to M and give her a foot massage" i didn't want to go.. god i had to drive all the way there.. find my way there !!!! drag everything for a foot massage there.. do it.. then drag everything home... and it was a waste of my day so to speak.. but i did it.. butterflies and all.. because You ordered it ! Now You don't order anything.. You feel me out.. will she want to do it?? will she not want to do it??? and most of the time i give You excuses .. i dig in my heels... and the thought You had.. never becomes an order.. because i didn't show enthusiasm for it.. more and more i have been turning up my nose at things just to see if You would finally just ORDER it.. but You didn't.. and yeah i was a BAD sub for doing that.. but the tone in Your request.. was more "if you want" and i didn't want .. so.. ????


Should i be punished for this??? NO.. absolutely NOT !!! why?? Because it is YOUR job to order .. not to request.. not to be mamby pampy.. but to be firm.. to have a clear cut idea what is going to be done or not done.. and to order it.. It used to be my job to follow the orders.... whether i liked the idea or not... and then the next day write it up in my journal.. respectfully .. what i thought about the whole thing....


And so over the years.. we have managed to be 90% vanilla with me being a shrew of a woman .. always getting her own way.. and 10% of the time You whip my ass over the ottoman .. just to keep the feeling of BDSM sorta kinda in the relationship (this is how i see it )


and for the record i am NOT pissed off with YOU...... i am upset that i feel like i am running the show.. i am making decisions i never wanted.. everything (it feels like everything is being put on my shoulders to decide or not to decide) take for example the 78 Highlanders.. i moaned a bit about having to go to their functions.. You said i didn't have to go to them if i didn't want to.. BUT You had to go cause You were the photographer.. as my Sir.. don't You want me there with You??? Aren't You proud to have me by Your side??? couldn't i .. for all intensive purposes... have to go as Your aide?? Your right hand .. to lug camera equipment.. keep track of lens etc.. to work for You?? isn't that my job as Your submissive?? to be by Your side?? THEY most certainly do not have to know that i am there because i am Your submissive... BUT the reality is .. i AM there because i AM Your submissive.. isn't that sort of .. kind of... melding vanilla with the D/s .. with OUR world??


Want a list of what i need and want Sir?? it might just surprise You..... i do need whippings and floggings and sex regularly.. but more than that i need some after care too.. what has happened to the after care?? i go flop on my chair and You ask (sometimes) if i need juice and that is it.......... am i so tough now i don't need any after care?? didn't You notice last week - after You let Cloud use the new slapper on my ass to thank me for dinner - that i landed up shedding a few tears in Your neck while i was thanking You.. didn't You think i might need just a little more aftercare than a hug and a flop on my chair???


i think it all boils down to i need to feel You are in charge.. and i will fall into line.. without threats of punishments.. without threats at all.. they may say it is the submissive who is in charge.. but i beg to differ.. when i am left to feel in charge.. i am not a good submissive at all !!! i am a SHREW... and i hate it.. and i hate myself..


And you know something else that has happened over this time Sir?? i feel very unpretty.. unsexy.. unwomanly... someone no one could love or want to be with .....(edited for privacy)....... just once in a while to know that You see me as a woman.. as a sexy .. sensual being would be nice....... to be ordered to suck Your cock .. to lie naked in bed with You and feel Your cock pressing against me.. feel You playing with me sexually.. that would be nice.. that makes me all mellow and squishy and soft inside.. and it makes me want to crawl to You on my hands and knees and lie at Your feet.. it makes me all subbie feeling.. and that is a good thing no??


oh yeah.. one last thing that is banging around in this subbie head of mine......... You are always saying You try to please everyone and please no one......... i felt that way too... feel that way too........ BUT then i try to remember there is really only ONE person i should be pleasing and that is YOU.. maybe You should think about that.. there is only one person You need to please .. and that is me.. pleasing all those people in our lives should NEVER EVER be more important than pleasing You or me.... cause if we are happy and strong.. everything else will fall into place.. or just won't matter... cause at the end of the day.. where are all those people?? certainly not caring if OUR needs are being met... there is just You and me together Sir .. at the end of the day.


well............ now i have written a journal that says something eh Sir?? to quote You.. be careful for what You wish (cheeky grin)

respectfully
Your littleone




15 comments:

Hisflower said...

i think this is one of your very best posts. i understand it, i feel it... i have this same conversation with myself alot of the time... these are things i have never wanted to say mtself, for fear of not being a "good sub"...for fear of hurting Master...so many things are going through my head right now, i dont even know what to write... i think women could have this conversation together, try to sort it out, try to change things without having maybe hurt feelings? or pointing fingers felt?- but part of me thinks that this conversation might make a Man feel that they arent pleasing us in Any way, that why bother if we arent happy, that they might hold things inside because hurt feelings, or pride, or whatever.....this may not be coming out right at all.... i guess i just wanted to say thank you for sharing this today,this one really hit home for me.
hugs,

Hisflower

Sir said...

littleone,

Can I take control of someone when I don't have control over Me?

Can I make a woman feel like a woman when I don't feel like a Man?

Words are your area, they get Me into trouble always... your words are true....

Sir,
Owner of morningstar

littleone said...

Hisflower.. i hope you come back to read the comments again...... because i would like to read your blog but it is by invitation only.. may i ask (boldly i must admit) for an invitation??

morningstar (owned by Warren)

NoirKat said...

FWIW, seems to me, both you and Sir are in the same mental place. You don't feel sexy, womanly, he doesn't feel manly, dominant. You can't fix that in him, nor he in you. Both of you need to come to a personal place of feeling good about yourselves. If you can find that place, it is possible other things will follow naturally from that.

MJ's Slave said...

morningstar,
This is a post that speaks to me in a very deep way. Our journey is very new, both with BDSM and as Master and slave. We began as friends, then lovers, then M/s...and i know exactly (which i NEVER say!) what you mean by making Him promise He will never love you so much He can't hurt you.

i have no advice, only respect for you and for your Master for being honest enough to share this for the edification of those of us who might struggle with these same issues.

It is a true dichotomy for our Masters that we, as slaves, do not want to do what we want to do. We want to do what they want us to do! And when they don't know what that is or are unable to verbalize, it causes us to flounder as to our place and direction. i believe many would think we are weak because we NEED the direction of another, but the opposite is true. You must be strong to kneel and seek what you desire...so when there exists that vacuum you speak of...we are left to fill the void and it causes us untold pain as we are being untrue to our most basic nature.

Thank you for sharing this.

~nik

selkie said...

I'm humbled by your honesty and willingness to share with the rest of us, insight into the reality of a REAL relationship; one based on experience, truth, love and a willingness to share with yoru readers the struggles that we all experience, but so few admit to.

You give us hope.

littleone said...

thank you all for your words of encouragement......

The main reason i wrote this blog was to show that through thick and thin if you want to work hard to sort things out.. it CAN work..

This isn't the first bump in the road Sir and i have come to.. it won't be the last.. here's hoping we just get better at handling these bumps..

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post, I think it may help me. Although my husband and I practice DD not M/s, I found this post having meaning for us. Sometimes my husband says things in the form of a request instead of just stating "you will". There has been one "request" that he has made that I just cant comply with, until he says "you will" do this. I need it to be said to me that way, I'm not sure why, I just know I do. I dont want him to be mean, just firm and dominant, I need that. I asked him to read this post, when he finished, I mentioned that even though some of it didnt apply to us, some of it did. He replied, yeah, but I get it. So hopefully it will help. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share with us.
I hope this bump levels out for the two of you quickly. Thank you again.
Sharon

playtoyspuppy said...

this post really touched me. i am going to ask Mistress to read this post when She gets home.

Mistress and i have had similar bumps. Mistress is human and has moments where She needs to go "into Her cave"

it hurt and i would let my mind run away with me which would cause more hurt. the more hurt i felt the more i would get snarky and rebellious. i had the idea in my head that Mistress was acting that way because She didnt want me anymore as Her slave or wife. Her and i had a talk and She enlightened me that She had things going on with Her and needed space. it wasnt anything i had done or hadnt done. it just was...

i am now working on not taking things personal. all i want to do is please Mistress and when She is out of sorts...i see it as a reflection of my being Her slave. i wish there was a book "don't sweat the small stuff in d/s"

thank you for sharing this...i hope you and Sir get through this bump soon :)

anna said...

I read this post and I cried, sobbed actually, because I felt your words at the very core of me. I suspect most submissives can relate to your feelings.

I hope, with all that I am, that you two can get back on track and feeling the way you both want to feel about each other and about yourselves.

kit said...

i too read this with a tear in my eye. Having never been involved in the lifestyle until meeting Master (almost three years now) these feeling as so real to me. Questions that are always rolling around my head as i am now in the position of leaving my marriage to move in with Master. He has never collared another slave and i am His first. He has trained many, but never taken one as His own. W/we are learning together and i do worry that "vanilla" will take over one day. Something that i do not want to ever happen. BDSM has opened my eyes to my true nature and this "bump" as you call it, is like a mountain to me. It is nice to know that i am not alone in my thoughts.

i will be showing Master this post to open O/our communication lines so that He will better understand my hesitations.

Thank you for this and hoping that things will get back on track for you both.

kit

Anonymous said...

What I find most impressive about this post is your honesty.

I have a question for you though, is your service all about what you get, or is it about what you give?

I believe that the times in which we are not surrounded tightly by the framework our masters/tops/dominants (choose your title) can so successfully build around us are the times in which we are most obligated to serve.

I am not sure if your relationship is more D/s than M/s so forgive me if I offend as I sincerely do not mean to do that, morningstar!!! As I said, your honesty is admirable.

What i do wonder though, is if your sense of "submission" comes only from what you GET from your authority figure, as opposed to what you give.

In my M/s relationship, I know that service is a given, whether or not he is actively controlling me. I don't only serve him when it serves me.

Perhaps, your constant submission, even when he is not constantly dominating, would reinforce your relationship?

It works for me. When I am feeling like I'm not on his radar, I actually "up" my service as I find that it makes him happy, it grounds me, and ultimately, reminds me why he claimed me as his slave in the first place.

Just a thought!

Good luck to you and yours,
melissa

Scarlet said...

Like everyone else, I truly appreciate the honesty and rawness of this post.
Thank you so very much for sharing, and I wish you and Sir much love, patience and understanding while you BOTH work through this bump.

I'm thinking of you and Sir.

Anonymous said...

*hugs*

kaya

Anonymous said...

Dear littleone,

Thank you for a wonderfully honest, loving, and, for many of us, relatable post.

slave freya