Friday, August 08, 2008

Me myself and i


i have a lot of faults... i know it .. and i admit it.........


One of my biggest faults is insecurity...... and to prevent people from seeing/knowing my insecurities i build nice big strong walls all the way around me.. i smile and nod.. and add another brick.. ain't no one.. but no one gonna hurt me again....... i have done with being hurt.. i have done with being the victim.. i will now protect myself...... thank you very much !!!

Somewhere along this Journey that is mine....... Sir brought down my walls.. one brick at a time.. one stone at a time..... until i was laid bare and vulnerable....... He knew me.... every inch of me.. every deep dark secret that is mine........ and i wobbled for a bit ....... then i was ok... Sir would be my wall.. my protector.. i wasn't alone anymore........

This is one of the most difficult places i have been ........... this is .. in my humble opinion... the biggest test of trust in Sir.... that He will keep me safe and protected..

There are times... many times recently.. that i have railed against Him.. against my vulnerability...

There have been times.. recently .. that i have added a brick or two to the wall that once was and might be again.. worried i might need a hiding place.. a protective cover............

Those have not been happy times.. i have not been a graceful obedient submissive during those times.......... and i always hate myself more when Sir drags me out of those hidey holes...

But drag me out He does....... each and every time...... He will not let me build my walls.. He will not let me feel i am alone in this battle that is life........ He will not let me lose my faith in Him.. in what we have built together......... despite the bitter winds that blow and rattle our very foundations....... Sir stands strong and protective.......

But ya know......... there are whispered words that come in on silent breezes.. breezes that sometimes He misses.. cruel cutting words that send me reeling....... words meant to find the insecurity and gnaw on it.. words meant to show me my failings....... words meant to cut and hurt .. and all the smiles in the world.. all the words of unconditional love do not make the hurting words disappear...

and so i stand.. one hand clasped in Sir's .. the other holding a brick all ready to go in place..

sometimes it is scary being vulnerable..........





2 comments:

Whitesnake said...

All in all we are just another brick in the wall!

Give me that brick and let me throw it away!

Buffalo said...

I like the thickness and height of my walls.