Friday, August 22, 2008

Am i back?


Sometimes blogs just disappear - i have always hated when people do that.. pull up stakes in the night and go poof !!! i wouldn't / couldn't do that. Instead - maybe it was as bad?? - i put up my lil "out of service" sign and disappeared in the night........

It has been a difficult summer for me.......... i began to think i was losing my sanity. (seriously!!) i seemed to cry at the drop of a hat......... for one who used to sleep 8 hours a night - i was sleeping maybe 2 - 4 hours a night...... tossing and turning...... i lost interest in most everything.......i was stressed and tense most of the time.......... and being who i am.... i assumed it was all my fault.. all my doing.........i started to question every deed i did.. every word i spoke (or wrote) .. i started to question where i belonged - if i belonged .. oh hell i started to question every little thing.

Most people see me as strong and capable - care free - fun loving - with enough self confidence and some left over...

Problem is.. that is who i am on the outside....... on the inside i am like most everyone.. i have doubts and insecurities... i don't like change .. and i do believe i am rather reclusive - not seeking out or needing people around me (we have already had that discussion) And much to Sir's sorrow - i don't crave friends.. i do not - in fact - have very many friends.... (and i believe i have had this discussion too.. friends take work - i like my alone time too much to invest in that kind of work)

Anyway........ getting back to the summer.......

There were outside influences working in and around my life this summer.. outside influences that were........ not sure how to put it without sounding overly dramatic....... wearing me down... i began to doubt my ability to be a good submissive serving Sir's best interests......... There was even - at one point - a time when i questioned whether or not i should remain Sir's submissive......... remain a submissive at all !!!

Like i said.. it has been a rough summer..

BUT then camp happened - weirdest thing .. by the time camp came around i honestly and truly did not want to go.. i kept thinking / wishing Sir would just substitute someone in my place - oh hell not just someone - wendy darling - in my place and leave me safe at home.

But i went to camp....... and as i reported earlier.. had the very best time.. and fell head over heels in love with my Sir all over again....... discovered i was really comfortable in groups of my peers (submissives / slaves) that we could laugh and joke and have fun.. and no one .. not one person seemed to take offense at what i had to say - or the way i said it. A group of submissives even wrangled me into a plot they had for a subbie revolt!!! i felt BACK.. i felt like me again.. a subbie revolt - HELL that was made for the likes of me !!!

BUT that was fantasy land........ or at least it felt like a fantasy land...... after 4 days away with Sir.. we were home.. and all the problems that had faced me were still here......... i straightened my back bone and decided that perhaps i should try again..... try being the best damn subbie.. try coping with a newbie that didn't know anything and cried pity me at every turn... and blamed me for all her failings..

It took approximately 2 intense days dealing with the newbie... and i was feeling all the old feelings flooding back......... BUT this time i knew .. i KNEW.. i was ok.. i wasn't losing my mind.. i was being made to feel like i was crazy.. but i wasn't !!! My words were being twisted into ugly things.. my actions were being questioned and deemed ugly ... but i knew the truth....... even if i was the only one who did !!! i knew it wasn't me.

i have spent these past few days - while The Journey was down - processing everything.. listening to Sir saying i had done everything He could ever expect from a subbie..... i heard Him say (well not heard exactly - read in an email) that i was His littleone - that He loved me - and that He would not .. nor could He.. allow anything or anyone to hurt me !!
(that was an unwritten agreement in our contract )

i am still feeling the same winds - storm winds - blustering against me.. i hear - even in my sleep - the words "her fault....... chastising ... hate"......... difference is.. i am now not internalizing these words.. it is NOT my fault - i am NOT chastising - i do NOT hate. At worst i just don't care enough to hate - at best i tolerate.

i think i have come to a place where i can write again without censoring what i write.. i can speak without censoring my words.... i can say politely and respectfully "talk to Sir not to me"....... i can build a wall that keeps me separated from the storm winds that slam against me.. that call to me in the dead of night.......

And so i think it is time........ to come back...........

As of today - The Journey continues!






and i have one question for you..........








DIDJA MISS ME??


18 comments:

Jessica said...

I DID!!

But I'm kinda confused as to what's going on..

drakor66 said...

So yes I missed you, not your finger nails nor your favorite expression sucks to be you. Of course do not let that go to your head

abraxas said...

hell yeah you were missed.

Welcome back little one ... stronger than ever!!!

Just remember ... peace & love & chickenwings ;-)

abby said...

i not only missed..i was worried about you.....you and i are very similar...same thoguht processes, same worries..same..a LOT..glad you have recouped....
abby

Anonymous said...

i missed you too sweetie- im glad you were back.. i was surprised to see the sign up.. like you said- you are always the dependable one. im glad you got things worked out.. i was worrried about you..im sending you lots of warm, tight hugs..
Hisflower

Anonymous said...

im glad you "ARE" back too..lol... see what happens when someone talks to me while im typing..lol.
hugs,
Hisflower

Scarlet said...

I missed you dear sweet morningstar/littleone.

Very much so ...

Upton said...

Oh my! Your "Out of service" notice was startling (as in jaw-dropping, coffee-spilling spooky). Yes. I missed you. Now, go and sin no more, ok? ;-)

Mr. Upton Ogood

PK said...

I am glad you are back. I always LOVE reading you...if you are unsocialable. lmao. Unsociable? This from a woman who befriended me, took me toy shopping, invited me into her home?? Maybe you don't choose to socialize with everyone but you are a very loving giving person. It's hard when you are so outgoing...everyone forgets about the sweet, creamy center!!!!

Love YOU. Wish you ONLY the best. Hugs and Smooches!!

Paula

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

Oh yes it was kind of disturbing not being able to peak into The Journey, The best travel guide on the web :-)

Prefectdt

Hil said...

Yes, I did.

Hil

Dae said...

YES!
YES!
YES!
I missed you very much!

swan said...

Hell yes! You scared me half to death, and I missed you every single day.

I know the kind of storms you've been weathering, and I know what it takes to censor and filter every word.

I'm just so glad to see you.

Hugs, swan

selkie said...

yes. very much! AND worried, although only, for the most part a "lurker".

and littleone, ALL journeies have their high points and low points, they have those moments when you don't think you can take one more step, then you reach the top of the mountain and look out over the vista below you - all that beautiful mystery to be explored. They also have their moments when you stop and regroup; when rest and contemplation is needed, when those moments of respite are precious and necessary.

I look forward to the next steps.

T said...

(jumping up and down in the back of the pack)

ME TOO!! I missed ya a whole bunches!!

Be well.

T

Buffalo said...

Appagently you were missed.

littleone said...

my heart is very full - seeing all these comments.. knowing i was missed..

simply put..

Thank you...... one and all


morningstar (owned by Warren)

cathy said...

yes