Wednesday, June 25, 2008

One's place.....

i have always been a one man woman..... or specifically in my case a one Dominant woman..... and i think some of that is because i am a bit weird.. well i heard a better term for it the other day.. i am reclusive.. yup.. that's me reclusive.. i want my world orderly and changeless.. and safe.

Problem is the world won't let me be this reclusive woman (well not just yet) .. i do have to work.. i do have to shop.. i do have to interact with the BDSM community around me.. and i do have to learn to deal with changes........ for now.

When one is a one man woman.. you always know where you stand.. what your place is... what is expected of you.. and there is little to threaten the security of that world.. or to rock it........

Things have changed in my little world...... Sir has found a new submissive to train.... to play with...... to add to our family....... and yeah it has rocked my world.. which i agree won't make a lot of sense to you.... my readers.. seeing as we have been looking to add another.

BUT now things have changed.. big time.. Sir is busy with His life and with this new subbie.. and despite everything i am left feeling a little bit outside my comfort zone.

It feels to me.. and Sir will probably disagree with me.. that i am left doing all the serving side of this D/s relationship...... with little or no reward for the work..... i honestly can't remember the last time i had a good long session .. complete with whips and floggers and crops and chains.. body hanging limp from the ceiling..... but i can tell you exactly when the new subbie had a session........ do i sound jealous??? i don't mean to.. i honestly don't... i am just confused.. and a wee bit lost..

Where is my place now?? WHAT is my place now?? how do i find my way through this maze and come out the other side relatively unscathed???

and the big questions that haunt me in the dead of the night when i should be sleeping..... why am i not enough for Sir now?? am i too old?? too predictable?? not enough of a challenge??

and so it would seem i am starting off on a new journey...... scared as all get out....

8 comments:

selkie said...

hugs you - I feel for you hun - with the long history with you and your Sir, I am hopeful that things will work out, that you will feel cherished and crucial and that the dynamic will work itself out for everyone.

I admire your fortitude. I too am a one man woman and could not live with him being other than a one woman man - but that is our dynamic and always has been.

Steve said...

Some fings in life are bad,
They can really make you sad, Other fings make ya swear and curse,
When ya chewing on life's grissole,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle,
And this'll help fings turn out for the best.
AAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDD
Always look on the BSMD side of life!

Sir said...

your place is the same as it has always been number 1 subbie.

It is I that must question what the green eyed monster role is in this relationship.

Sir,
Owner of morningstar

swan said...

I can truly understand. Having your fears and struggles dismissed as "jealosy" is even more painful. I know. I don't have answers. I just have warm, gentle hugs...

swan

Buffalo said...

Your feelings and emotions are very understandable and understandably difficult for you to deal with. Try to center and trust that all is as it should be.

Anonymous said...

i dont really know what to say to you either sweetie... i would feel the same way as you though if my Master added another... all i can say is trust in your Master- believe that He knows what is right and best for the both of you..
the warmest hugs,
Hisflower

littleone said...

thank you all for your support and comments - yes even you Steve with your silly poem - it made me smile -

i don't honestly know where this is going.. but i signed up for the long haul... good and bad.. so i guess i just hang on tight and go for the ride......

SeaRabbit said...

Oh my!!! You are more than courageous... I won't allow myself to experience that kind of pain, and no other one either... never ever...
I wish you will settle for the best!