Friday, May 09, 2008

My story

i was following my early morning ritual (well since i have been off work with my knee) of reading blogs while i enjoy my coffee.... no pressure.. no stress.. no hurry.

Then i read swan’s blog entry and was immediately pulled into the story she was telling.... her story. She finished up the writing with this paragraph.....

That is my story. Others follow different paths, but I honestly believe the decision points (isolated from the details) look very much alike. Perhaps the sharing of the journey is the most important gift we can give to one another.


and i thought ...... it is my turn...... my time to tell my story....... and so here it is......

i married at the ripe age of 21 just one month shy of my 22nd birthday. i remember on my honeymoon lying in bed beside the man i now called "husband" wondering what in god's name i had gotten myself into.......... but i was determined to be the best wife.. the best daughter..

We spent 20+ years together..... and a lot of those years were good ones.... but something was so missing in my life....... we had 2 daughters........ the house in the burbs.. the two cars in the driveway....... i was a stay at home mom... and basically bored. Hubbie was .... i don't want to say incompetent because he really wasn't...... as everyone told me he was a great friend.. a great neighbour... a great employee.. it was just...... well he kinda sucked at being a father or a husband. He had his hobbies and friends and often times they came before family...... he had his TV and often times it came before family ........ and when my need for some sexual gratification began to interfere with his television shows he bought a TV and put it in the bedroom......... (need i say more??)

Raising the children.... paying the bills....... keeping the roof over our heads fell to me.. planning the holidays and vacations fell to me.....caring for his parents fell to me .. and his favourite words were always "yeah yeah let's do it" then he would back out and claim he never said yes in the first place ...... i began to feel like i was losing my mind......... or worse.. that i was wrong .. all the time wrong.....

And all through those years i was craving someone to be in charge.. to take the load off my shoulders..... it felt so wrong.. i was always so afraid of making a mistake.. of doing something wrong..........

BUT there was my dad....... my strong willed - do as I command Dad....... and when i was feeling overwhelmed or lost Dad would step in and make things right...... Dad would plant the trees........ dig the flower beds.. finish the home reno projects.. Dad would laugh at my hubbie and say he knew two speeds...... slow and dead stop. Dad said the marriage wouldn't last 5 years.... i proved him wrong. (but at a price)

Soon after the girls left for school ....... i learned what it meant to be really bored........ so i started going back to school to finish up my degree...... and then a second diploma... and a third....... and somewhere in all that school going........ i lost my dad..... suddenly while he was curling ....... and my world was turned upside down...........

Now my hubbie looked even more incompetent .. more lacking in the skills i needed to make me happy.......... i am not saying he was a bad person......... he just wasn't the right person for me...........

Around this time i also discovered that the fantasy world i had built for myself - based on the book The Story of O - was not all that much fantasy. Through the early world of internet i discovered adult lists ....... where they talked of spankings and bondage and kneeling and wickedly exciting sex acts.......... it was no longer a fantasy in my mind....... but a reality - out there - somewhere in the big wide world........... and i wanted a taste of it.. i wanted off the island we lived on - and into some of that world...........

BUT i am not a liar or a cheat......... so i shared with hubbie what i was craving.. what i was looking for.......... and he figuratively speaking patted me on the head and said have fun....... i guess to him it was a kind of hobby........ something to fill my already busy days and nights........

i remember being on line late late into the nights...... reading everything i could my hands on...... "meeting" people on line who actually lived this life i dreamed of........... i remember actually setting up a meeting to meet a DOMINANT...... wow i was impressed.. it was like i was going to meet some royalty........ and through him i met lula....... who was to be my mentor and trainer for a few years......... lula who met my hubbie to try and mentor him into being the dominant i so needed........ who after meeting with him a couple of times told me that hubbie might be more submissive than i was........... there was no hope.......

And so i contented myself with going to munches... occasionally dragging hubbie along hoping something might rub off on him (it never did) .........

It was a long long road..... and lonely most of the time......... and i was in therapy.... dealing with my dad's death...... dealing with a marriage that was unfulfilling ..... dealing with my almost total inability to function outside the safe boundaries of the house........

And then i was beginning to grow ...... and move forward..... and hubbie was still mired in the routines that answered some need he had....... and i was finally ready to divorce him.... to move ahead with my life.......... and hubbie got bone cancer .....in his hip........and how could i leave him now?? who would believe this departure had been in the works for years??? And so i stayed..... and nursed him.. and worked full time and raised my girls..... got one settled in university and the other one working through high school....... and my inner needs were put on the back burner once again..........

And then .....i remember it so clearly...... it was June 24th.... and i told hubbie as he washed his car ........ that i was miserable..... and we needed to get some marriage counseling...... and he told me there was nothing wrong with him.......only with me......... i told him he had till September to do something about it......otherwise i was leaving him.........

It was a terrible winter where my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer....... i had found a Mistress ( i was never ever gonna trust a male again) ...... but in the March of that year..... i packed my bags and left.......... i remember so well thinking a bolt of lightening would come down out of the skies and strike me dead......... for "deserting my husband........ for moving in with a woman....... for leaving the FAMILY" .........

Those were tough days..... and weeks and years......... my mom died and we never reconciled........ my daughters struggled massively over the divorce and their world falling apart around them....... and still i pushed on....... i had to find some small piece of the "prize" i had been searching for........ longing for .. for so long.........

This 'mistress' i was living with .. collared to.. and committed to .. took most of my savings to fix up the "fixer upper" we had bought......... it was in her name...... everything was in her name because after all i was a slave right and had no need of money ........ she would take care of me.......... even into my old age..........

Funny how things happen........ into my old age... yet at the age of 47 this 'mistress' decided i was too old for her now........ she had found a nice young thing in Holland - 19 to be exact - and they were going to live happily ever after ......in Holland....... my world was falling apart..... the home i had invested in was being sold......... i was floundering............

i found a lawyer ...... and mostly through mistakes made by my "mistress" he managed to pull my ass out of the fire..... set me on my feet again - though wobbly - and i got to start all over again...... i was 50.

And then........ when i had all but given up any hope of finding a stable caring dominant......this man came into my life....... he had been reading my posts on a mailing list i was on...... he approached me at a munch and through a total comedy of errors he landed up offering to teach me about bondage ...........

This man was / is Sir.

It took me half my life to find a man who understood dominance....... who understood me..... who knows when to come and "get me" and keep me safe...... and god love him.... He knows how i struggle with letting HIm care for me....... the struggles are mostly mine..... hidden scars that have healed but still rub ..... and bring out the independent me.. the tough old bird me..... the "i can handle it me" ...... when deep down inside i know Sir will come and get me.. and hold me tight... and make the world a better place......

Almost 30 years after i read that story The Story of O and dreamed of a fantasy world that couldn't possible exist...... i have found my world...... my Sir.....


8 comments:

swan said...

Hooray!!! I hope your story and mine start a cascade of stories, and that in the telling, we will strengthen and heal and include each other in ways we never have before. Thank you for letting me into your world this day.

hugs, swan

Buffalo said...

An interesting journey, with a lot of tribulation along the way, that lead to a very good destination.

Well told.

Raheretic said...

It is interesting that were one to perform comparison of your story and swans's there would be mostly parallels, and the contrasts would only be in details and degrees. It is an example of discrimination without a difference.

We three in our 50's (at least for almost another year in my case) have found a self-actualization that we cherish sharing with each other.

It is good to be able to share yours vicariously here.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

selkie said...

thank you so much for sharing ... that was a fascinating glimpse into a complicated, often painful journey. I'm curious - do your girls accept you for who you are?
s.

Wendy said...

Thank you for sharing. i don't comment much, but thought i would do the neighbourly thing and just say thank you

Baby said...

I was all misty eyed reading your story, and thank you for sharing. That was some trial and tribulation you had to take to finally reach the pot of gold you now have!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks a lot for sharing... dear young sister. i'm 65 and met Sir a few months ago... My kids say i look like a happy teenager. Of course they do not know the whole truth about our relationship.

subtle-times said...

What a wonderful story full of learning experiences and growth.

Looking back at the building blocks that have made you who you are today, you should be incredibly proud.

Thanks for sharing.

k