Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Feeling Guilty

i slept most of Monday - and even went to bed at 8:30 p.m. and slept ....... so it shouldn't have surprised me that i woke up at 3:30 a.m. - wide eyed and bushy tailed. So i went to read blogs.. and for some reason - unknown to me - i went to Sir’s blog first.......... not expecting to find anything............ Imagine my surprise! Can you imagine my shame ?? i didn't really even know i had upset Sir....... i have been so wrapped up in my own lil world....... pity me..ouchie me.. scared me........

i have discussed before how difficult it is sometimes to be the graceful slave.... the all accepting never questioning slave. i realize today it is even more difficult - next to impossible - for me to be that graceful slave when i am all wrapped up in my own world of pain and fear.

YES i am independent ! especially when i am sick - or under the weather - or in pain. i am like a little animal i just want to find a hidey hole - climb in and not come out till it is fixed - or till i die.

AND that makes life very difficult when you are in a D/s or M/s relationship.... i am not supposed to shut myself off from Sir.. close down ... i am still supposed to be open and pliable and willing to please............. and having a subbie refuse to follow directions for her health is damn frustrating (i realize that now !!)

Somehow i have to find a way to open up more with Sir.. to accept His care and His caring as part of the relationship.......... not something to feel guilty over. Sometimes shit happens and the Master takes care of the subbie..... instead of the other way round... sometimes the subbie has to be graceful and accepting of this caring and not feel guilty about it......... not sulk and be bitchy about it........

i know i was guilty of that on the weekend.. and i know i was bitchy and i know i was sulky on the weekend........ the reasons for the moods don't matter....... what matters is i failed (miserably) in being the graceful slave.........

5 comments:

selkie said...

Hugs you .. just left a note on your Master's blog - basically saying that like you, I have a REAL problem to let me sometimes nurture, take care of ME when usually my own incliniation is to serve HIM - and sometimes capricious, independent, subbys like us have to learn to allow our Masters to take care of us - drives my D. crazy ...

selkie

littleone said...

selkie - about all i can say is thank you..... humbly.......

i was a) so humiliated to see that post.. b) so sad i had let Him down yet again c) so bloody mad at myself for being such an ass !!!

thank you for letting me know i am not alone....... cause sometimes .... ya know... being at the bottom of the food chain is a lonely place....

selkie said...

hugs you ... the one thing I know they do NOT "get" is how bloody HARD it is to let ourselves be "served" in a manner of speaking when it is SO much our nature to be the ones to DO the serving ... but we're lucky, they love us and hopefully, a good hard flogging and peace will be restored ... smiles.

selkie

Buffalo said...

No sympathy from me. You've got some fence mending to do, little girl. Best you get to it.

swan said...

Regardless of the relationship, health issues and worries can put a strain on everyone involved -- caregiver and the one that gets cared for... It is the sort of stress that shows up every crack and chink in the structures we work so hard to build. I hope, as you recover, and the usual dynamics between you can resume, that this bit of stress and discord can resolve into memory.

For now, you need to remember that thing we tell newbies all the time: communicate, communicate, communicate.

hugs, swan