Friday, January 04, 2008

Bouncing Balls

i am going to be completely honest right up front.. i really have no idea where this blog entry is going to go...... it is most definitely MY opinion and no one else's... (though some may agree with me) and it stems from a bunch of stuff floating around aimlessly in my head... (and no cracks about how easy it is for stuff to float around in an empty container !!)

Anyway........ this is probably gonna land up being one of my infamous bouncing ball posts..

It has been in my head since before the holidays to write a piece on "topping from the bottom"... it has been nagging at me.. i have tried to put the thoughts together and have them make some sort of sense.. it hasn't totally worked... so here goes.. (bouncy bouncy ball)

Submissives who top from the bottom are often frowned upon - much as S.A.M.'s are (Smart Assed Masochists) But what exactly IS topping from the bottom?? When i think back to that evening i asked Sir if He would use the mouse traps.. was that topping from the bottom?? i wasn't being the classical submissive waiting patiently and quietly for her Master to "do" it.. i asked. BUT i also accepted gracefully Sir's denial of my request. What is wrong with a submissive asking respectfully for something?? i personally don't see any problem... because the final decision still rests with the Master.

However ....... IF a submissive dictates how a scene should go .. or shouldn't go.. demands that there be a warm up... picks out which toys can and can not be used.. which equipment.. etc... if every scene.. every session is entirely and totally about the submissive's needs... then that - in my opinion - is topping from the bottom!! If the submissive is constantly critical of the Master's (or Mistress - it doesn't really matter) methods and style.. then that submissive is topping from the bottom. And i have to add here.. IF the Master gives in to all the submissive's requests / demands then the Master needs to go back to BDSM 101 and retake the course !

Now S.A.Ms (remember - smart assed masochists) ... they will act up and act out often embarrassing the Master.. all for the sole purpose of receiving pain..... And that is a BIG no no in the community!! How SAMs are frowned upon .. looked down at. BUT i want to know who made this submissive a SAM??? if she/he were getting what they needed - which is pain.... would they need to be a SAM?? Positive reinforcement versus negative. (yeah yeah lessons learned in teacher's college) If you want positive behaviour - you reward the positive and try (i said TRY) and ignore the negative...

Now i have been accused from time to time of being a SAM.. and it really raises the hair on the back of my neck. i am NOT a SAM.. i rarely if ever get pain for acting out or acting up.. i do however get pain - on fairly regular basis - just because ... because Sir wants to dole it out.. or i need it.. or the stars are aligned just right. Who cares?? i get the pain needed and therefore do not need to act up to get it. However i am frequently - most often - ok ok 90% of the time cheeky. That is who i am.. as a submissive.. as a teacher.. as a mother.. as a daughter ... as a person!

Lying........ this is something that Sir and i have had numerous 'debates' over.. i understand lying - blatant lying - saying something didn't happen when it did but i struggle over the term 'lying by omission'. i never understood why it was necessary to bare my soul over every little thing. Like the time my hands were cold and tingly during a session and i didn't tell Sir.. i wanted more more more and did not wish to stop the scene... i got punished right royally for that one...... because it could have lead to serious problems.

It is the same when a sub withholds information from a Dominant.. health issues let's say.. How is that Dominant going to ever be actively responsible for their charge if they don't have all the pertinent information to work from??

Where is the honour in a submissive who blatantly withholds vital information?? And isn't honour an important factor in a BDSM relationship?? i am fast learning that 'honour' is a word that is bandied about a lot.. much like the use of the word 'friend'. So .. as with so much in this lifestyle .. i am learning to doubt someone who says they are honourable... prove it to me first.. live an honourable life and maybe then you will earn the right (in my mind) to use the word.

i think i have run out of steam.... for today......... i may revisit these topics because they are important to me.. and should be debated and understood..at least i feel a need to fully understand them!!


5 comments:

Buffalo said...

A candid, non "cheeky" or snarky comment - you spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and fretting over what other people think.

As far as honor and integrity goes - a person has it or they don't. Down home some say, "don't call him a cowboy until you see him ride."

And that's what I think.

T said...

Topping-From-The-Bottom...

Basically the same thing as passive-aggressive behavior. Behaving one way to provoke the desired behavior from your Top. Not playing fair... Not being honest... Not asking politely for what you would like and accepting HIS decision gracefully.

I have met them... I don't like them. And when I have caught myself trying to do IT, I feel ashamed.

T

swan said...

There is so much good stuff here, my friend -- I would wish you would break this apart and do it in series... And, with T, I'd be glad to talk about that topping from the bottom business, because it isn't always easy to define, easy to figure out, easy to avoid...

hugs,
swan

SeaRabbit said...

It is good to read you questioning, and questioning again the roles and parts each of the team should play...
But... I have a question... and I know you kind of like my questions... ;-)
But, it is an important topic for me... and, maybe you have an answer, or at least a view on that topic that I don't...
What the submissive should do, when nothing is happening? When there is no play since weeks, months... When an heavy play (being not well tolerated, because, hey, I felt out of habits... )is followed by weeks, months of vanilla time, no matter if I said out loud that getting out of the habit is making me more sensitive and that we shouldn't let that happen?
Ah! You know I'm bringing my own case in the picture... as I'm trying since many months to restrain myself from talking, asking... or whatever that could be felt as toping... because I learned quite slowly (but I did) that asking was giving nothing at all... but I am now at the point that intercourses are felt as boring as hell... and I have no idea what to do to make it better... Seems to me that asking or not makes any difference...
No, I don't want to look for another Master, as some could suggest... This isn't in me, because I love my Master over the plays... but I would love to make Him a little more aware of what is going on, without anger (that's hard! I mean for me...) and without toping either...
Hmmm... any idea about what I should do?

drakor66 said...

Topping from the Bottom should not always be focus on the sub as that they are doing something wrong . a look has to be taken at why is it happening . Does the Dom understand the needs of the sub. Does the Dominant provide .

Yes I have topped when I am with lazy dominants. Do I feel bad about it no I do not. If the Dominant is lead easily not evil enough not strong enough well as an old friend always said too bad for them. If they are strong they have many ways of stooping it rather quickly .