There have been a few murmurs in blog land recently about the different roles .. sub and Dom. Questions asked - what does the Dominant get out of such a relationship?? How does a sub just turn over everything??
And i thought.. not because i am wonderful and wise about these things.. but because i most certainly DO have an opinion on them... to write a little blog entry on the roles each plays in a BDSM relationship. (and please remember - this is not based on some fictional story.. or online nonsense - this is my reality - for what it's worth)
Do we all come with job descriptions?? i think we should.. life would be so much simpler.. But in reality we don't come with job descriptions we don't even come with 'carved in stone' ideas of what we want.. Dom and sub. (come on .. admit it!!! even the Doms have vague ideas at the beginning that blossom with time - and maybe a little coaxing)
Alright - i will try and be serious here... the submissive's main objective/role in the relationship is to please the Dominant. Now that's a broad spectrum isn't it?? please the Dominant.. makes me think of the last line in my work contract (yes WORK contract ...for some reason i seem to have an aversion to BDSM contracts - but that is another whole different blog entry!!!) "and any other job deemed necessary" rather open ended don't you think?? Now i can't speak for every submissive.. or every relationship........ but my definition of pleasing the dom is quite simple.. Sir wants it Sir gets it.
But let's not fall into the "fantasy category" ok..Sometimes Sir wants something and it just isn't possible.. He will try and i will get all tight and jumpy and Sir will respect it is either not a good day for that activity .. or .. it may never work. That isn't important.. what is important is that i try whatever He asks from me... and amazingly enough some times it does work!! and it sticks and i love it..
It is not unheard of for Sir to pitch in and lend a helping hand when things are a bit harried around here.......... It is all part and parcel of "caring for the submissive" - which is the Dom's job.. not to be mistaken for the submissive's job which is "caring for the Dominant".
i make the meals .. run the household.. i have been known to answer emails for Sir.. to organise munches, and play parties... Sir will tell me to invite this one or that one over for an evening and i make it work. i do the laundry and keep the condo clean.. i keep track of Sir's medical appointments and sugar levels (Sir is diabetic) and plan meals around the sugars and His needs.....i follow any and all schedules set out by Sir (mainly cause by now i know they just make life simpler for me ) i take care of Sir.. simple as that.
Now what does Sir do?? He beats my ass and fucks me.. (wait wait - i said i was gonna be serious) ok ok.. He does do those things.. but He also cares for and about me. He has been known to step in and handle "stuff" that gets out of hand....... 99% of the time He accompanies me to all doctor appointments.. He makes sure i get my flu shot and that i take my pills and vitamins and that i stay as healthy as humanly possible (considering i work in a germ factory) He holds me when i cry and comforts me when i get scared.. He works pretty damn hard at making sure i don't wallow in self pity or think because i am "broken" i am no good to Him anymore.. In short..... Sir cares for me, simple as that.
i was trying to explain .. recently .. about the power exchange that happens in a BDSM relationship....... the submissive turns over - gives up - whatever expression you wish to use - control. Gives it over to the Dominant. (please note - that does NOT make a submissive a doormat.. nor a simpering helpless female - or it shouldn't!!) That is done once a level of trust is reached. when a level of comfort has been reached. And in my humble opinion (and yeah i am ducking the feminists) there is always one person more dominant in any relationship... ANY relationship!! (and it can be the female .. it doesn't HAVE to be male) It makes life so much simpler and easier if everyone recognizes that fact and goes with the natural flow of things. That does not mean i do not have a say in things around here.. it just means i talk to Sir about needs and wants and desires and then leave the decision up to Him........ He knows me well enough to know exactly what i need - even sometimes when i don't know the need myself!
i like to think that we each push the other to be the best we can be...... both as a Dominant.. a submissive... and as human beings. We fit together well.
What do we each get out of this relationship?? Everything we dreamed about... and more.. The reality of the relationship is One takes control and thrives on it... the other gives up the control and thrives on that...
Now i have basically described my relationship with Sir.. and i wouldn't try to describe a generic BDSM relationship....... because it is different for each and every one of us...... the one constant - i think - is that the submissive cares for the Dominant and the Dominant cares for the submissive. The road is not always smooth and there aren't always fairies sprinkling fairy dust along the way....... but i am a firm believer in sticking to it..... we are turning into a "throw away" society - it doesn't please us - it doesn't work just the way we expected - it isn't exactly what we thought it would be - throw it away and start again. More's the pity........ sometimes with a little work, a little polish will reveal a diamond in the rough!
(just a little editorial note here..... for anyone who is interested or wondering...... i heard from the surgeon's office yesterday........ i have an appointment next Tuesday for the results - they wouldn't give them to me over the phone.......... 5 more days of waiting.)