Wednesday, November 14, 2007

More thoughts and ramblings..

This is a tough time for me....... not a particularily happy time.... and it should be... and that makes me angry..

A few years ago when the doctor told me i had a high blood pressure due to menopause and stress.. i took the pills .. climbed on the treadmill.. and did what i could to fix the problem... (and it did get fixed) .. when the pains in my gut turned out to be gall stones i made another decision to change my diet and things got better.......

Now i am told i have something - they don't know what yet - inside of me causing problems.. and there is nothing i can do...... i just have to sit and wait and take their tests and hope and pray it is not cancer but some benign cyst working some evil magic inside me... i can't actively do a damn thing..... and that makes me angry and it makes me scared...... and this is not a pretty picture of a subbie..... everyone told me things got better after menopause.. no more periods.. no more pms.. no more fear of pregnancies..
They didn't tell me that there was a greater chance of ovarian cancer.. or uterine cancer after menopause.. no one told me that......

Some days are better than others.. some days inside.. i feel like me.. and refuse to believe i have something evil inside... other days i feel it .. inside me.. and it makes me so damn angry..... and i can't feel like me inside.. i don't know who i feel like on those days... i just know it isn't me....

This is so NOT how i thought i would spending this year........ i thought i would be busy and excited planning weddings for both daughters.. i thought i would be busy and excited playing with Sir and the house boy.... it doesn't seem fair ya know?? and damn it.. i am not big on pity parties for myself....... so that doesn't feel right either..

Sir is trying so hard to work His magic.. to make me focus on the good things.. Sir is trying so damn hard to take the fear onto His shoulders - away from me - so that i can be ok...... Sir is being so damn good to me that it hurts.... know what i mean?? (oh .. for those of you who don't check His blog regularily... He has posted about this time .. health problems for both drakor and myself.. weddings.. all of it.. it made me cry...... but then my aunt always said my bladder was too close to my eyes!!)

So every morning when i open my eyes, i feel inside .. it is either a good day or a bad day..... then i climb out of bed.. and go to work.. where i pretend it is a good day and do my job..... but mostly i wait....... for the 20th and the 28th of this month.. for the tests ...... and then i will wait for the doctor to tell me what happens now........

i don't DO waiting well........ just in case you didn't know that about me.. i do NOT do waiting well.........




7 comments:

Blazngfyre said...

My dearest Morningstar .... I am so very sorry for what you're having to go through at the moment.
The not knowing is terrible.

I am keeping you close in my thoughts and wishing nothing but the absolute best.

Anonymous said...

sweetie, you are in my thoughts and prayers that everything turns out good..* lots of hugs* Hisflower

Buffalo said...

I have yet to find a way to wait without worrying. It would be futile for me to tell you not to worry.

You and Warren are in our thoughts.

Jessica said...

A short comment wouldn't be enough, so I wrote an entry about it.

www.gotkink.ca/on-writing

Just to say, I'm thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

Waiting sucks (i.e. i don't do waiting well either), but i am glad that you have good days! Try to focus on those as much as possible.

May all the tests reveal a path back to You! to health and to only good days.

Sir's pet

swan said...

There is no easy way to wait. I just hope that you find some way to be gentle with this and with yourself. You know that all of our thoughts are there with you right now.

Gentlest of hugs,
swan

MaggieDear said...

This is my first time here, found you through Bonnie's site.

Waiting is never, ever easy. My thoughts go out to you first to make the waiting a little less tedious and that the final outcome is a good one.

~Warm Hugs

Maggie