Monday, July 09, 2007

scrambled thoughts..

This is my brain today............ (ok maybe most days.. but definitely today!!) My head hurts from all the thinking i've been doing since yesterday.........

There are a couple of really good blog entries that speak to my state of mind today....... One is my Sir’s........ the other is Cloud’s....

It was a Sunday of high emotion........ whether i should be or not.. i am hurt... by people in general.. sometimes it seems as though Sir and i are the only ones who plan/organise parties/dinners etc... i wonder if it is worth the work........ i feel like it is a slap in the face when i find out "friends" who frequent our parties and partake of our hospitality.. don't return the favour.....

It hurts when i feel i am being lied to......... omission is a form of lying.. i get it now Sir !! i was told one thing by one person and a completely different story by another person... it feels like i have been lied to.. i could .. i know.. confront them.. confront the issues.. but a big part of me says "why bother?" they would probably only lie again...... or bend the truth.. or what ever petty excuse they would come up with..........

And if friends..... f r i e n d s .... are struggling.. why don't they share their problems?? instead of shrugging their shoulders (if one can shrug their shoulders in emails) ....... why can't we share the hard times?? at least then i wouldn't feel like we are being shut out.

Remember high school days where there was the in crowd??? Sometimes in this lifestyle that is what it feels like.. "nah nah nahhhhhhhhh i'm in the IN CROWD.. and you're not"!!!

Supposed "information web sites" that pick and chose which information to share with the community......... if it fits with their criteria of what makes up BDSM then it is posted.. if not.. "sucks to be you" (as my daughter says).......... BUT doesn't that type of attitude lead to an exclusive club.. rather than inclusive group??? AND they don't even have the backbone to answer email inquiries........ back to that nah nah nahhhhh attitude..

And in an email with my dear friend Buffalo........ i was talking about fet clothes and the need some find to dress up....... i explained to him that our way of living (Sir's and mine) has nothing to do with "dress up".. game playing.. we just live it.. whether i am running around in shorts and a tshirt or a corset.. does it make me any less sub??? i think Ratheretic said it best when he said the "new s/m" is "stand and model"...........


i guess it makes me sad that some of the people in this lifestyle........ are bores and social inept beings........ and that i used to call them "friends"... maybe i have learned a hard lesson.........

And then there is the whole vanilla side too.... my inability to 'fess up to Sir that i had no idea at all how to build a mountain with a tunnel going through it........ bluster along.. hard headed .. stubborn.. bitchy sub...... that is what i can be...... afraid to admit i haven't a clue...... Sir - patient Sir - has forgiven my blustering and we have moved on.... today He sent me web sites that explain better how to do this major act of God.. building a mountain.......... and He will help me with the wood and nails and form building that boggles my brain and makes my head hurt.........

And when it all gets sorted out............. i can count my friends on one hand.. true friends.. and really .. isn't that all that is important in life?? If the condo is filled with 50 strangers or 5 good friends which makes us richer???

That's a no brainer......... 5 good friends.




5 comments:

Buffalo said...

Okay, Morningstar. You didn't ask, but here it comes.

First, the term "friend" is so freakin' over used it makes me want to bellow, run into a china shop, break everything and take a crap on the floor. If a person has even one good, true, friend in a lifetime they are ahead of the game.

Second, whenever you deal with people you must deal with their sense of reality rather than your own. Your sense of reality, your needs, don't mean diddly sqat to them. So, you deal withing their frame work to get to where you want to be.

Third, people lie for one of two reasons. They are either pathological liars and can't help themselves or they are afraid. Afraid of what? Take your pick. You can pretend to believe their lies, confront them, or simply cut them out of your life. Life is too damned short to deal with bullshit.

Four, sometimes folks are reticent to share problems with even good friends. Perhaps the problem shames them. Perhaps they know their is nothing anyone can do so they choose not to burden them.

Five, for every lifestyle there are wannabes. At the there best they are an amusing pain in the ass. Something else will come along and they will decide that is who they are. Maybe the old Clint Eastwood will make a comeback so they can smoke short cigars and wear serapes.

Six, most folks will let you do as long as you do. Course of least resistance. Screw manners. Screw social graces. Screw you. It is all about me and ain't I all of that.

Seven, time to get some layout magazines. That and the net.

Eight, quit fixating. Screw them. It ain't a thang.

Blazngfyre said...

I tried to figure out something Buffalo hadn't covered, but can't.

Screw 'em darlin' .... it AIN'T a thang!
You know who means the world to you, and who you mean the world to, and in the end, THAT'S what matters.

swan said...

So. I wonder. If you are inviting people into your home, why are you not choosing WHO you invite? If these are sort of open cattle call style munches or play parties where people are repeatedly behaving badly (and consequently frustrating you half to death), why do you keep holding "open" events? Narrow the circle to the smaller set of people who can be counted on and truly enjoyed. The level of "stimuli" might be lower, but so will the level of aggravation...unless your masochism really does drive you to do the other.

hugs, swan

littleone said...

swan.. you made me laugh...... yeah i think i AM that masochistic.....

and yes..i do think we will go back to private parties being just that .. private parties !! with only a handful of good friends in attendance..

morningstar

SeaRabbit said...

morningstar...
To have been present to some munch, and reading you today, I feel ready to tell you my own impressions... You know that Master was uncomfortable going in... and you know why, and as it's personal and not my problem either, I wont go in further... ;-)
But for my part, I found it very hard to sit around unknown people who were obviously ignoring us, no matter the efforts I displayed to join in conversations...
No, I'm not talking about Sir and you who always have been very kind to us and warmly welcoming us in every occasions... But I think that without you being there, we could have find those events pretty annoying, and even leaving after the first drink... I am stubborn, so I insisted many times to return, expecting people to open up and feel more comfortable with us if they start seeing us involved... but never ever someone else than you introduces themself to us while being sitting right beside or in front of us, a part Master Andre... from who we keep a very charming memory and a very interesting conversation... and Clouds that we saw once and displayed some interests after he could put a nickname on my face...
People were talking to us when Sir and you were around... or if we asked them questions requiring a direct answer... A part from that, we could have sit in another room, at another table on our own, or in another restaurant...
We felt very isolated... and God knows that I am not that bad at socializing... and Master is used to give conferences and being in touch with many unknown people, so it is not a matter of being shy, or too introvert... at least, I don't think so...
Maybe there is something we didn't get right... or maybe was it a wrong timing for us... but for sure, it is a reason why I'm not insisting anymore to go the munch or any other public event... We got the feeling of being the outsiders... and we can live very well being that...;-)
I know this is not a very joyful comment... but be sure that neither Sir or you have said or done something for us to feel that way... It is the surrounding... and the sense that we were not accepted into that realm by anyone else than you two who were already very busy entertaining all those nice people...