Wednesday, July 04, 2007
It is a given that motherhood is probably the hardest job any one will ever do.... those sweet little bundles don't come with instructions manuals (and most don't read manuals anyway!) It is - in my humble opinion - very much a "hit and miss" thing... being a good mother i mean..........
When i had my first daughter.. i followed the philosophy "it takes a village to raise a child" and both sides of the family made (strong) suggestions on what i was doing wrong.. how to do it better.. basically how to raise her. It was the most stressful time of my life (ok ok .. one of the most stressful times) When i was pregnant with the second one.. i was sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table surrounding by family when i announced that the first one had been an experiment - everyone raising her...... but that this one (patting my tummy) was MINE.. and i would raise her as i saw fit. Needless to say both my girls were raised very very differently.
As they matured and moved on to womanhood... i had to adjust my thinking.... i had raised them.. they were now setting off on their own. i held my breath and watched as they took faltering steps into the big wide world. It hasn't been easy..... hell sometimes it has been damn hard to watch and bite my tongue.... but i have done it. i have tried so damn hard to follow a hands off rule with both of them.. sometimes thinking that i would land up being old and alone and known as "the crazy old cat lady"... BUT i had to give them their wings and let them fly..
When youngest daughter announced she had had a "little accident"... and after i got over thinking she had cracked up her car.. i had a minor fit. She was 19 years old... my "party girl".. and one pretty damn sick girl. She had spent nearly 8 months at the Neuro undergoing every test known to man for seizures. So i was less than thrilled with this "little accident".... (and yeah yeah i know i am excusing my reaction with the mention of the seizures) She had the baby (and the seizures mysteriously vanished)...... and i was at her side through it all.... that was 6 years ago now.. and another baby later.
i have tried very very hard to be the granny who doesn't interfere.. i do NOT want to be a carbon copy of either of my "mothers"! And so i have pretty much let sleeping dogs lie.
And now....... today for some stupid reason... my heart feels like it is breaking.. and it is SUCH a stupid reason...... youngest daughter told me on the weekend she and boyfriend (father of my grandsons) are shopping for a new home..... and they think they have found one. i literally bounced up and down on my chair.. exclaiming how excited i was for them.. how proud i was of them....... and i blurted out .. "can i come and see the house??" .. dead silence.... then some stammerings from her end...... and i stepped up to the plate one more time.. and said.. "ok i understand if you are too busy to take me over"....... and it came out that the 'inlaws' will be going and she doesn't want to overload the home owner with family.
i blundered along like normal.. pretending every thing was just okey dokey...... but it wasn't.. my heart hurt. It hurts to know that they don't want my help or advise.. i am guessing all those years of biting my tongue paid off.. they don't expect or need my 2 cents worth. In my blabbering on .. i told youngest daughter that i wanted to celebrate summer with a family barbque next weekend. She said sure .. and we said goodbye
When i hung up the phone i dissolved in tears in Sir's arms.. i was / am so hurt. i blurted out that i was going to cancel the family dinner.. i just didn't want to see her. Sir concurred. Sir wanted to phone her and tear a strip off her and tell her how hurt i was. i begged him not to. IF she wanted me it had to come from her.. not from some guilt trip. (and trust me.. Sir is pretty damn good at laying on a "jewish" guilt trip)
Today...... i am cleaning the house and crying. i so wanted to have a happy family summer celebration barbque..... play with my grandsons... see my two daughters together with their significant others... just enjoy the moment. And now i have ruined it........ Sir will hold me to my word. And i wonder even IF i did convince Sir to allow me to hold the dinner..... would it be the happy occasion i originally pictured?? Norman Rockwell picture perfect.
Were my parents and inlaw parents correct in being in my face all the time.. driving me nuts.. making me feel guilty if i didn't visit?? At least to the bitter end i was always there for my parents.. always asking for their advise ... making them feel they had a place in my life. And i guess that is it.. they needed to feel they had a place.......
Now i am feeling as though i am going to grow old and be known as the "crazy cat lady"............