Recently i was reading blogs..click a link go here.. click another link go there... sorta getting lost in the adventure of blogs upon blogs... but i found one that i rather liked... "View from the Floor"
My criteria for blogs - any blogs... vanilla or BDSM.. is that they must be REAL.. i don't want to read fantasy.. (ok ok sometimes i do.. but i want to KNOW i am reading fantasy.. not some trumped up fantasy made to look like real life) and View from the Floor sounded REAL to me.. the angst of living .. period! no glossed over bad parts.. life spelled L I F E..
The other day she was writing about how it isn't always easy to graciously serve.. something like that.. you can read her own words at View from the Floor yourself.. but it got me thinking..... BIG time.. Between her and kaya ( who wrote two posts on July 23rd) ... and my own life.. it seems as though there is a thread here.. no matter how thin it might be.. i SEE a thread.. (and this is MY blog and if i say there is a thread there is.. just follow the bouncing ball)
i... yes me!!.. have been struggling with gracious slavery as i have to come to call it in my own lil subbie head. As i politely pointed out to Sir.. i am after all on holidays!! And of course He politely pointed out to me that i am NOT on holidays from HIM! (2 points for the Dom) It is bloody hard to spend Monday to Thursday pampering JUST my needs - eat when i want - what i want - how i want - read all day long in my secret garden without talking to a living soul.. play with the train layout at 7 in the morning if i want and not worry about running juice and pills and blood meters up the stairs at 8 sharp!! A selfish kind of existence it is.... then comes Friday and suddenly i am expected to serve graciously with a smile even........ i may really be into a chapter in my book.. or really enjoying sunning myself like a cat curled up in a sunbeam..... but if it is 1:00 pm lunch better damn well be on the table...... and something interesting too!!
And then there is something Sir labeled... quite well i might add...this week...... He called it BDSM bankruptcy. And sometimes that is exactly how it feels. i am serving and bowing and scraping (and yeah muttering under my breath all the way through it) and in return i expect some damn good S/m sessions with a whole lot of sex thrown in for good measure. WHAT?? i am not supposed to have those expectations?? why the hell not?? i am serving aren't i?? Sometimes i just want to give Him a great big nudge and say "hey remember me?? sitting over here in the corner - trying real hard to be invisible ?? wanna come and use Your equipment before it rusts up completely??" (real gracious huh??)
And another problem i have identified.. in making this gracious serving a little harder than normal ........ train layouts. Now i have always compartmentalized our life - vanilla versus BDSM. Vanilla always translated into family and vanilla friends........ BUT now it would seem train layouts have edged into vanilla-ism. Why?? because quite simply put.. i have control over what is being done - as far as the scenery goes. i just take over and do it the way i want to do it.... and god help Sir if He even thinks of offering a suggestion........... and god after the fact.. after i have scowled at Him.. and huffed and puffed enough to blow the damn condo down.. i realize two things 1) it is HIS train set.. layout not mine !! and 2) i am the sub around here.. get it??!!!
kaya was saying in her blog that she is not going to push anymore... and carrieann from the View from the Floor says she is going to stop the bitching and complaining and whining (my words folks!!!) and go with the flow more.... cause in the end.. everyone is much happier. And me?? well i am thinking that i have taken this summer holiday a little too much to heart... like not bothering to shave last week. And taking all my personal angst (i think that is my new word for the week... ANGST..... i do love the way it sounds and it does cover the situation so bloody well) and putting it where it belongs... out on the front stoop....... it does not belong in my relationship with Sir... He knows about it.. now let's move on shall we???
It is not an easy road we all journey along in this BDSM life. Sometimes it becomes quite routine and not very exciting....... like doing the dusting or washing dirty underwear. And sometimes the sub does have to just sit in the corner and get a little rusty... maybe even have a cob web or two hanging from the edges... before the Dom realizes what is missing from His life! Or realizes that life sometimes becomes too easy and lazy... and He pulls Himself up by the boot straps and gets back to His side of that contract (long since filed and forgotten) .....
me...... well if i am sitting in the corner getting a little rusty and cob webby from now on... i am gonna do it graciously and with a smile..... cause that IS what i signed up for.... gracious slavery.....which is not to say i won't wiggle my ass at Sir occasionally .. or yell "stop MotherF*#@*ker" occasionally when the situation is right........ i will just try and do it all with a whole lot more grace !!!