Monday, July 23, 2007

contemplating my navel


It is strange to me .. after such a good weekend ..... to find myself feeling down today.. i worked on the train layout a wee bit this morning.. but when the sun came around to my secret garden i took myself outside and curled up with a book..

But even the book didn't hold my interest.. i was just restless and fidgety. It was one of those.. "what the hell is the matter with me?" days. i gave up and just let my brain go where it would.......

i thought about how i was punished this weekend.. i have always had this terrible habit - especially when i am being cheeky - of sticking my tongue out.. i have been known to even do it once or twice to my kiddies at school........ It is something that Sir doesn't mind.. but i am forbidden to stick it out at Him.. He sees it as a sign of disrespect. Now i do work on not sticking my tongue out at Sir.. even when He teases and torments me.. but on Sunday.. i slipped and out came the tongue......... i tried all kinds of excuses .. like i was licking my lips .. i wasn't really sticking it out at Him.. just thinking.......... i even tried batting my baby blues...... but it didn't work.. and i was sent to get the tabasco sauce. Now this may not sound like such a horrible punishment to you..... but a) i HATE tomatoes and b) i HATE hot spices... Sir sprinkled it liberally on my outstretched tongue... i shudder even now thinking about it.. it burned the roof of my mouth.. cleared out my sinuses.. and left a bloody awful after taste in my mouth.... of course i am not allowed to drink or in any way get rid of the taste..... trust me it will be a long while before i stick out my tongue again...... maybe i will just wiggle my ass at Sir instead.. He doesn't seem to mind that......

i thought about the rule of always being "available" for Sir. This is a rule that didn't come easily to me at the beginning...... But now it is second nature......... most of the time. But sometimes i wonder what the point is....... i was brought up to believe that mystery is a very good thing...... that it heightens the desire.. and of course "proper ladies" never flaunt what they have........... now i wonder if Dominants don't get bored (for lack of a better word) seeing naked or semi naked subbies ......... wouldn't a little mystery make it more interesting?? And isn't there a certain..... je ne sais quoi...... to stripping a sub.. or making her strip?? ahhh well .. just one more thing i was contemplating today........

And i was contemplating how a couple of pictures Sir took of me this weekend nearly sent me over the edge...... i looked old!! i looked fat and ugly. (there i said it!! fat and ugly) And yeah i know all the pat phrases.. it isn't what's on the outside that counts.. try this diet.. or that diet.. you aren't THAT old! .. i know it all..... but still the feelings lurk under the surface... Sir and i talked a little bit about that this weekend.. the fat stuff i mean.. i was semi joking how i got the raw end of the deal....... somehow i managed to get the genes from my maternal grandmother...... everyone else in the family gene pool was proportionate.. and had red hair to boot... me.. i have blonde hair (or did before i got old) and blue eyes.. a frame that would be better suited to a football player..... add to that two babies and not a whole lot of exercise.. AND menopause.. and ughhhhhhhhh i am fat and ugly.. and yes i know i can fix that.. makes me think about the old come back line when someone calls you fat.... "i may be fat.. but you're ugly.. at least i can lose the weight"

And i also thought about how complacent i have become on this summer break...... yeah yeah i am cleaning the house thoroughly and doing the gardening..... i don't mean that sort of stuff.. i mean.. like fixing myself up....... i have become lazy.. when i work i do my hair every day and put on makeup.. all the girly stuff... but i stopped the primping and preening when i went on break....... this weekend - believe it or not - i didn't even shave for Sir!!! (not that i am a hairy beast.. one of the good things about the maternal grandmother's genes) BUT even still Sir noticed.. and commented. i corrected that this afternoon... shaved from head to toe and even gave myself a manicure.. yeah me!!!

A whole lot of navel contemplating.. not a whole lot of action...... but sometimes one just needs to look inside and sort things out...........

Now .. for those of you who actually care about the train layout............ here's a couple of pictures of the new mountain/tunnel/provincial park.........




2 comments:

Buffalo said...

I've had body image issues all my life. It sucks! And oddly enough others don't always see us thru our eyes.

CLoud said...

Mirror are very harsh things , they reflect what we might not like . After several eye operations and laser treatments well, you look pretty dam good to me. From the few years of knowing you I would say you can do anything you want to so just use the mirror to judge if your hat is straight and leave beauty to the beholder.