Monday, April 09, 2007

Sensory Deprivation

my dear 'friend' swan wrote a comment on my entry "being invisible".. it was a good comment. it was a sit up and take notice comment.

swan wrote:
"I imagine, if you are like me, you KNOW your place. It is just that you cannot FEEL it when your body does not get the feedback it craves. It is the sensory deprivation that is difficult to manage if it goes on for very long... a feeling that comes to resemble the beginning stages of starvation...."

swan was right..... i DO know my place. i am - for the most part - quiet when i should be quiet, i try extremely hard to NOT top from the bottom, i follow task lists left for me for the days when i am alone, i bow (most of the time) to Sir's needs and wants and ignore my own... because after all any good submissive/slave will tell you - her needs are always secondary to the Doms.

BUT should they be?? what happens when the sub's needs are so far down the list of priorities that they seem inconsequential?? When the only time left for her needs are late at night.. or squeezed in between this and that?? what happens then to the submissive's mind set?? Is this not a form of sensory deprivation??

Sensory deprivation is something that is often used in BDSM circles.. hoods, white noise, gags, blindfolds, cupboards. It is all quite exciting and fun. BUT the type of sensory deprivation swan was talking about and made me sit up and take notice has very little to do with toys.. it has a whole lot to do with just being ignored.... or the submissive part of me. And that submissive part of me is having a major melt down.

i feel anxious and cranky and am prone to tears. Sir HATES with a passion all 3 of those emotions in me.....and yet i have no idea how to control them. My body's need for endorphins is rising proportionately higher and faster than the pain i am receiving. And then i am feeling guilty for the wanting / needing/ yearning.

Saturday evening scared me. Scared me silly. Sir brought up the wooden paddle with the holes.. the one that hurts like the dickens and leaves my ass as hard as a rock with deep tissue bruising.

He also brought up the crop .. the one that stings and bruises (if i am ever gonna be bruised that is the one that will do it!)



He started with the paddle .. pat pat pat .. WHALLOP.. pat pat pat .. WHALLOP......over and over. At first it hurt.. but i didn't cry out.. it was making me angry. It was making me mad. And then it made me cry... not because it hurt.. but because i wanted more and more and more and i knew from the clock i wasn't gonna get it.

Then Sir switched to the crop and it wrapped a little bit and caught the side of my thigh a couple of times and i yelped and pulled away. But i quickly went back to my place over the footstool - because i just didn't care. and that scared me. And i think my reaction was worrying Sir too because in mid stroke He stopped and told me to come and hug Him.. and i did.. and i asked if it was over and He studied me and told me to resume the position and i did. And it started all over and in my head i kept thinking "why doesn't this hurt??" because it wasn't. and that scared me. It was like the pain inside of me was so much greater than the pain Sir was giving me. And that scared me.

i don't know what is wrong with me.. i do know swan's comment about sensory deprivation makes as much sense as anything else i have come up..............

i also want it noted - publically - that i love this man i call Sir with my whole being...... i know His faults and His foibles and His good sides... and love Him because of all of it, despite all of it.

4 comments:

Buffalo said...

Having never been there ....

subkitten said...

*hugs*

I've never been to a place where pain didn't feel like pain so I can't comment on the physiology of it, but I think it's a clear indication of your mental state atm.

Sensory deprivation or 'Use me now before I bite something off!' as I like to call it, isn't good for either party in the relationship. I tend to pull back and worry and fret and generally just get really angry.

'Why isn't he wanting to play with me all day, everyday?' I ask myself. Yes, there is life going on, but it still leaves at least an hour, maybe even two or three, everyday for something, anything to happen.

'Why doesn't he feel the need as strongly as I do and why can't I tell him how I feel?'

Questions raise more questions and I work myself into an angry, sodden mess before an explosion occurs somewhere down the track.

I know it's tough, but perhaps a chat with the domly one is in order?

k

swan said...

This isn't easy. There were no clear paths out of this place while I was here, and I was here for a really, really long time. Even looking back, I'm not sure what the answer would have been. As you, point out, it is a very fine line between stating the "need" and crossing over into whining, demanding, and topping from the bottom. I didn't want to add my demands to what seemed like a host of burdens that He was already carrying, and so I kept my needs to myself. In doing that, I deprived Him of information that might have brought us closer, and the spiral -- spiraled. I am not sure where the keystone really was. Still. I can only hope that you figure the puzzle out. Soon.

In the meantime, I send you hugs.

swan

SeaRabbit said...

I know this place so well... when you want more... but no more is coming... and the need to scream it out loud... and not being heared... It is a very sad feeling... of loneliness... of having so much to give and no one to receive that... It is like a rose blooming with anyone to see it... and fading... just like that... it's smell lost forever... it's a gift unknown for anyone...
When I am into that, and believe me, I am often... I feel a particular sadness... like something is missed forever... something that could have been an epiphany and was refused...
It hurts a lot... but can we blame them for our needs that they aren't reading? Sometimes I feel we should.. sometimes, I feel we are responsible... about not saying it enough... or saying it too much...