Tuesday, October 17, 2006

climbing up...

yeah i am trying to climb up out of the muck and mire that i have landed in....... it wasn't bad enough that work was the shits last week - that the kids got the better of me and my peace of mind.... or that opinions of me and my state of mind cut through my heart like a knife through butter.. nope.. that wasn't bad enough.... to top off my wonderful week.. i managed to be a non-sub all weekend long with Sir... (if you want the gruesome humiliating details .. you can read Sir's rendition of the weekend here)

If i never had to venture out into a world that is much less than perfect.. if i never had to deal with broken hearts and broken bodies .. if i never had to put myself out there for one and all to point fingers at and accuse .... would i be better able to serve my Sir???

On Friday i felt beaten down... defeated. i was angry that people were name calling again.. (yeah it happens from time to time.. mainly i guess because i am out there.. as public as i can be with my feelings, my thoughts, my philosopies)

Today .. Tuesday.. i am still feeling defeated... more so now cause i disappointed Sir.. more than disappointed... i am feeling old.. and worn out.. and the climb out of this muck and mire is looking a bit like an Everest climb........ and i am tired... and my spirit is cracked and bruised...

Sometimes this journey is a rocky one.............

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

my problem is usually quite the opposite .. life causes me to become to strong. i become much more strong willed than i want to be and it takes a lot for Him to put me back in my place ... i often tell Him that i feel bad for Him because he has a very very hard job keeping me in my place ... where i really want to be but too often don't know how to stay where i want to be (not in controle). The challenge actually is all his, as well as the work and the strugle. Patience morningstar ... your Sir will get you back to where you need to be ....

deb