Tuesday, September 12, 2006

raising the bar higher.

A while back Sir and i were joking (i guess we were joking) about raising our bar higher.. pushing the limits. Sir had said we would discuss it.... BUT funny thing was.. when we sat down to discuss it.. i don't think either of us really knew HOW to push the bar higher.

On Saturday we did the clothes peg thingy....... intense was how i described it. i have been thinking about that evening for the last couple of days. Today i realized that was raising the bar higher. That was pain that was not cute or cuddly or sexy - in any way. That was pure pain. i didn't fly which confused me... i always fly high from pain.. why not this time?? i think perhaps i have figured it out.. well figured it out for me. The pain took me by surprise... it was bigger than any pain i have faced.. it was more intense than any pain i have ever faced.... it took me by surprise.. kinda slapped me upside the head to see if i was paying attention.. i wasn't! i wasn't prepared for that kind of pain.. i have experienced that kind of pain maybe only once before.. and that time it was a mistake.

i have asked myself if i want to try that pain again....... and each time the answer has been the same.. HELL YES! i wonder.. (and yes for those of you who worry about my communication skills with Sir.. i WILL ask Him!! ) if Sir can handle that kind of pain again.......... it was a pain that i think kinda slapped Him upside the head too.... Even if He tries to pooh pooh it.. i do believe it surprised Him as well. AND i know!!! Sir only ever wants to give me good pain.. pain i enjoy.. and my tears / sobs and shrieks were not exactly a soothing sound for my Sir's soul.

But wasn't that raising the bar higher??? Giving me just a little bit more than i could handle........ making me struggle and fight and try to handle it.......... next time - if indeed there is a next time - i want to handle it better. i want to fight that battle and win. i want to look into Sir's eyes and know He is giving me just a little bit more than i can handle...... so i can be victorious.

and now as i reread what i have written i wonder if those of you who are 'vanilla' wonder at my need /desire for more .. where will it stop??? Well i guess it will stop when Sir decides we aren't going to raise the bar any higher........ but until then........... HELL YES raise it higher!!!

2 comments:

Sir said...

I will be waiting....

Sir,
Owner of morningstar

Anonymous said...

I will be waiting too. :-)

kaya