Friday, July 14, 2006

more thoughts on humiliation...


Almost two weeks ago i posted about a play party Sir and i had attended...... i honestly hadn't given much thought to how people would react to my posting...... and so i was caught off guard with a couple of comments about the humiliation i had felt .... folks not too sure if it was what i wanted.. they didn't know if they should be happy for me.. feel sad for me... i was amazed at those comments... and i will try and explain why..........

i think we all acknowledge - at least verbally - that a submissive is on the receiving end ...... we all rattle off the "safe sane and consensual " bit like some creed learned from birth....... and i think that a lot of people honestly truly believe the submissive is the one in control. Therefore nothing is going to happen that she doesn't ultimately agree with..... that she doesn't ultimately want.......... and yes in some relationships that is exactly the way it goes........ the submissive controls what is done to her and what is NOT done to her...... afterall she has a safe word that she can pull out and use any time right??

BUT my relationship with Sir is not like that........ over 5 years ago Sir sent me a check list .. a mighty check list... a 12 page check list.. i was given a week to answer it and return it to Him.... i was warned to answer the questions very carefully....... and i did......... and there were only one or two definite major HARD LIMITS.. don't even think of going there limits...... mostly to do with children and animals.. the things most civilized people would list as hard limits.. the rest were "YES i want to do that"... "YES i love to do that" ... "MAYBE i want to try that" ... and finally "the i don't know if i want to try that"... (or soft limits) There was one that still makes me laugh.. there was a "chauffeuring" category........ i looked everywhere for a definition.. after all this was a BDSM list and it must have some definition that escapes me.. finally i had to ask Sir what "chauffeuring" was..... and He burst out laughing and said "chauffeuring - as in driving!!" wow.. how boring was that??!!!!

Anyway.. back to the thoughts rambling round in my head..........
once Sir and i had agreed on the list.......talked it to death actually.......... Sir told me i no longer had a safe word...... pointe finale !! OH there were safety measures worked in for public play - like my bright pink squeezy heart that i was to hold in my hand when we were at club with loud music .. and should a problem arise i was to throw / drop the heart to make sure that Sir knew i was in distress.. but basically there were no safe words.. no stopping what we had begun........

Now to the play party and the humiliation i experienced..... the humiliation i felt was all self induced.. Sir had no idea what it was that i was seeing in my mind's eye... none whatsoever... But IF He had decided to do some ass play .. while i was on the easel.. exposed to the world.. that would have been His choice.. it was afterall an edge play night.. anything goes play night.. a leave the safe sane and consensual at the door play night....... and i had agreed a long time ago to no safe words.. no stopping a session...

Will humiliation do permanent damage to a submissive?? yes of course it can.. if it is not done properly.. if the Dominant treads just a little too heavy on the psyche of the submissive...... BUT would ass play do permanent damage to THIS subbie??? i can answer that with a definite NO... not permanent.. oh i would be mortified .. i WAS mortified and He hadn't done anything ... would Sir be able to fix the pain and humiliation?? you betcha!! That is why .. almost 5 years ago.. i signed up for this wonderful Journey with the man i call Sir.. because i trust Him.. with my whole being.. including my psyche...... i know all of me is in good hands........

So finally to answer the question as to whether my readers should have felt happy or sad .. or even concerned for me.... rustie marie said it best when she said " I can't quite discern from your post whether you enjoyed yourself... but then again maybe that wasn't the point of it all"
and it wasn't......... the session just was what it was....... another learning experience for me........

4 comments:

drakor66 said...

So does that mean anal play will be in the futrue for you or will you put one of those colourful string of swear words together to establish a new safe word.(eveil grin)

RAheretic's swan said...

We don't use "safe words" either. Haven't ever really discussed it. If I'm in some sort of distress, I let Him know. He makes the determination as to what to do, and then we proceed according to His judgement. I trust Him to care for me in whatever circumstances. He always has. So many times, we've been questioned whether what passes between us is "abuse..." The answer is "NO." It is BDSM. In the words of some wise Dungeon Monitors a few years back when some concerned newbies begged them to save me -- , "Watch and learn..."

Good post.

swan

drakor66 said...

Did I mention that I loved the flowers

SeaRabbit said...

Aren't all humiliation self-induced? By our cultural background, the thought of what the others will think... just as you did? It is probably all the difference between private session at home, and public play...