Sunday, June 25, 2006

Enduring

i have been thinking about this blog entry since yesterday afternoon......... how do i explain in words what happened.. how it felt... where i went???

It all started off pretty much the same way... "downstairs" and then "strip" were the orders from Sir.. and i was hung from the chains in the play room........ BUT there was something very different this time.. there was a a "hardness" (for lack of a better word) about Sir ... the mood set by Sir did not allow for any cheekiness.. for any stamping feet.. for any of kaya's cheeky safe words... i knew as the first flogger hit that this session was going to be hard.. and it was gonna hurt.. and just as quickly as i knew that.. i felt the tears come...

Most sessions are not easy - do not get me wrong. i love pain.. and i love lots of it.. in many different forms....... but there was yesterday a harsh mental pain that came - not from the toys - but from Sir... and i felt myself slipping .... but slipping from where to where i can not tell you.. just slipping..

i was only to endure .. the sting of a thousand bees flogger... the leather "hurts like hell" toy from Helmut... the whippy.. then the snake whip... i could feel it slicing across my ass... it felt as though the very skin was being neatly and methodically cut from my body... not just my ass either.. but my legs.. my thighs.. wrapping toys that caught my nipples.. my belly button.. even the side of my face (as my head dropped) ..... it didn't matter what .. or where.. i was only to endure..

And i remember .. not the colours i usually experience.. the joy.. the euphoria.. no this time i felt .. yes felt ! a blackness surround me .. envelope me.. as each toy bit into my skin...... then when the burning was so hot it felt cold.. there was a brightness that was blinding... slowly cascading down in front of my eyes.... and still it continued... burning cold .. darkness swirling.. brightness blinding.......... and then faintly i heard an "oops" for Sir.. and watched as He moved - in almost slow motion - to the paper towels left for clean up.. tear off a piece and wipe my ass.. i heard Him say in a dead quiet voice 'you are bleeding' and then it all started again.. with new toys.. with the cane and the leather tawse.. and more wiping of blood.. and start again..

and then it was over.. and i was left to hang from the chains .. no hugs.. no release.. just hang .. in the darkness.. experience the cold shivery body.. the aching shoulders.. the burning stripes over my body........

and while i was hanging.. i kept thinking about something i had read from some Dominants blog.. about subspace and subdrop being flawed terms.. that they are nothing more then "sexual space and sexual drop"....... and i kept shaking my head thinking THIS has nothing to do with sex.. or the warm fuzzy feelings that remain after sex... this has to do with pain.. the desire to give it.. the need to receive it.. to endure it...

no fairies came to take me dancing.. only hot cold pain.. dripping nose.. dripping pussy.... pulsing aching ass.......... and the realization that some times.. you just gotta endure.

6 comments:

callistre said...

"I understand."

In humble Service,
slave callie

RAheretic's swan said...

morningstar, Dear...
You have spoken to the place that we so seldom talk about -- the place where all of us who live this in truth must dwell at least some of the time. There is joy, but there is also, the submission that is simply submission to what is given.

Be well,
swan

anna said...

That was beautifully written. Quite honestly, I have always preferred the heavy "darkness" (as you so accurately call it) to the more lighthearted and happy "fairies" (also your term, as I don't experience fairies but do understand to what you refer). Perhaps this preference comes from the same place inside of me that hates movies with happy endings and adores movies that make me feel deep emotional pain. I think there is something very dark in us and that darkness can only safely be expressed and brought about by very special people in our lives.

Thank you for this post. It's quite possibly my favourite to date.

SeaRabbit said...

Is it satisfying for you? Is it something you like to experiment?? And if not, what is the substitut you love enough to 'endure' that...???

Jo... out of the SeaRabbit...

Hidden Flames said...

I don't think I have ever seen anyone describe it so accurately... Thank you, this was hauntingly beautiful...

Lady Baltimore said...

You've managed to elicit an interesting variety of comments on this post, morningstar. You have gotten people to think, I think.